Caterpillar Tracks
by Hawki
Summary: RS Oneshot: The forces of Hell tend to overcome their foes through brute force rather than well thought-out tactics or precise manoeuvres. By extension, little thought is given to the individual demons that make up their ranks.


**Caterpillar Tracks**

Um guys, can you hear me? Guys?

You can't? Great.

Figures as such. Oh no, don't mind me. Continue hunting, killing, and doing all that fun stuff until the Doom Slayer comes, after which point you'll be either a) shot, b) chainsawed, c) exploded, or d) all of the above. You'll be piñatas of flesh and meat, granting that psycho health and/or armour, because of cause that makes sense. Never mind me. Me, the Doomhunter, so named by some demon at some point at some time, because you twats can't get the job done. I mean, it's great and all that this Earth is being torn apart by Hell, with a nice change of scenery, and I get that fire and brimstone smells nice, and the images of torn skyscrapers will go great on my blog, but if you're going to introduce all this verticality on a round world (though apparently there's some flat Earthers here), I think it might have been better to not give your so-called Doomhunter caterpillar treads!

(No, seriously, what's up with the flat Earthers? Haven't the humans made going to the moon and Mars a thing?)

I could help you know. I'm a skeleton attached to a tank chassis (like, why?), trying to navigate the ups and downs of a world where everything _is_ up and down. Like, I don't know if you thought this through. I mean, fun fact, there's apparently this show called _Doctor Who_ here, which is up to their 43rd doctor (after forty-three, wouldn't you know a doctor's name?), which has these things called daleks (and what's a doctor anyway?), and while their looks might deceive you, even they have the ability to hover (a doctor heals people you say?). But me. No. Tank treads.

(Hey, is that island off the shore of Continent 1A still intact? This _Doctor Who_ show sounds interesting.)

And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "why is a demon thinking for himself (itself? Seriously, I don't know). You're thinking "but aren't you meant for the interior of installations (why are there no female demons?). You're thinking "shut up you talking skeleton, who's somehow talking without a tongue, voice box, or any kind of tissue that allows creatures to speak" (what happened to that Mother Demon? She was BAE!). You're thinking…well, you're probably thinking a lot of things. Or at least I _think_ you're thinking a lot of things, but if I think you're thinking and you're not thinking, then I guess I'll have to do the thinking for you. And think not only "how can I think without a brain? I'm a bloody skeleton!", but also "yes, of course I'd be better suited for the interior of installations, but if that's the case, why have you put me on Earth?"

Didn't have to be this way you know. Could have been when we invaded Mars. Like…no, not that time (where we technically only invaded its moons, both of which didn't look like moons at all for some reason). And…no, not that time. You're thinking of the Mars a few months back. I'm thinking of…huh? No. No not _that_ Mars. We don't talk about _that_ Mars. I…huh? The Mars with that group of black-clad twats who went to Mars and got themselves into a hell of trouble without us ever invading. Y'know. _That_ Mars.

Yeah. Yeah I'm talking about that other Mars that no-one seems to talk about. The one where you twats didn't even have the Doom Slayer present and that marine guy managed to beat you all the same. Could have helped you there. Wouldn't have even been the only guy in a tank. But no, _you_ guys had to do it _your_ way didn't you? Just had to go, "Soul Cube? Yeah, let's just leave it in Hell with a minimal guard and allow marine guy to get it. Like, it's not as if it defeated us the _last_ time." Huh. Pricks. Bet you weren't feeling so high and mighty then, were you?

Were you?!

But maybe I should just get to the point. I know it's a round-about way of saying it, but I'm actually, er, kinda stuck right now? I…yeah. Yeah, the lava's rising (not magma, lava, it's only magma when it's underground), and I can't move, and I'm out of gas (yes, Hell has oil too – go figure), and although I'm a skeleton who's only expected to shoot at stuff, I'd like to think I have some kind of rights. I mean, there's this death knight who's currently fighting for the elder gods in some other dimension after being used as cannon fodder against some other marine dude (seriously, what is it with marines being silent protagonists and silent killers? Do no other human warriors do this stuff?), so I'd like to think a talking skeleton in service to the armies of Hell would have a similar chance to rise in the multiverse.

Or, if you want me to make this as simple as possible, I'll just say this…

 **HELP!**

* * *

 _A/N_

 _So, little admission, this was based on only hazy memories of the Doomhunter artwork. When I re-checked it after writing it, it turns out it's basically a hovering skeleton tank, not a tread-based skeleton tank. Y'know. Completely different._

 _And it stands to reason that it isn't going to be encountered in the more open environments of_ Doom Eternal _, but the idea of it sparked the, um, idea, behind this._


End file.
